Kid Nation

The Kid Nation finale came on tonight. As a youth pastor, I found the show intriguing. In case you're not a fan, CBS placed 40 kids in the desert of New Mexico to see if they could survive as a society. Three kids got homesick and left Bonanza City, but the other 37 stuck it out. They cooked, cleaned, ran stores, elected leaders, held church services, and awarded deserving pioneers with $20,000 gold stars.

I think Kid Nation proved something I've believed to be true for awhile. Our kids are not our future; they are our today. They can be insightful and articulate. They can organize and lead. They can achieve goals together. Why aren't we challenging our kids to reach their potential? In his book Be the Change, 15 year old Zach Hunter says, "My generation needs someone to set the bar high for us so we have something to live up to or even live beyond." Are we doing that for them?

However, I think the producers of Kid Nation missed one big point: Adults who cared about them (or at least cared about not being sued) created boundaries in which these kids lived. Adults created the structures for jobs, the means of reward, and the protective hand in case someone got hurt. Behind every kid who is living out their full potential needs to be a loving, caring adult providing a supportive hand. We can be there to guide kids, to be a listening ear when they struggle, and to point out the ways God is working as they live fully for him.

The sky's the limit for today's youth, but be there to fly alongside of them.

Politics

I've been reading a new book lately titled unChristian. The author, David Kinnaman, researched the current opinion of Christianity in the eyes of those he calls "outsiders", those outside the church. Specifically, he focuses on outsiders ages 16-29. In the book, Kinnaman reveals that outsiders define Christians as hypocritical, too focused on conversion, antihomosexual, sheltered, too political, and judgmental.

The chapter on politics got me thinking. Kinnaman suggested that Christians need to be involved in politics, but we need to change our methods and attitudes in portraying our political opinions. I'm still trying to figure out why Christians should be involved in politics in the first place. Kinnaman says Christians should be involved in every part of society. I think Jesus shares a similar sentiment when he prays in the garden for his disciples, "My prayer is not that you would take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one." (John 17:15) However, something in me rejects the combination of faith and politics. Perhaps I can explain:

I fear imposing Christian morals on a nation not totally made of Christians. Should we hold outsiders to Christian standards? If all they know of Christianity is Christian-based legislation, will they come to see that following Jesus is all about following the rules? How do we engage in political influence without creating a legalistic view of Christianity? If Christians were to get involved politically, how would they propose demonstrating grace when someone has broken the law? Maybe that's already happening, and I'm uninformed.

Secondly, I feel like trying to create a Christianized country through legistration is inauthentic. For example, I had to go to court the other day for the first time in my life. When I was sworn in as a witness, I had to place my hand on a Bible and swear to tell the whole truth, "so help me God". Given the pluralistic nature of our country, I was baffled. I thought the courts would have done away with that years ago. What happens if you aren't a Christian and you swear on the Bible? It seems contradictory to me. . . . Another example, on our money it says, "In God We Trust." No we don't. If our nation trusted God, I don't think we'd have as many moral and justice issues in our society. God would begin to change our hearts and enable us to change our actions to conform to his standard. I just feel like trying to claim we are a Christian nation when we aren't one is a lie.

But perhaps politics is one of the few ways we can make significant social change to end big problems such as poverty, human trafficking, and civil rights. I'm just not sure what the balance is of being too political and being ignorant. Any thoughts?

Why I don't post more often

There are days when I wish I could post about what God is doing on the OBX. However, the nature of my job doesn't allow me to disclose private conversations. What I can tell you is that God is speaking to the hearts of teenagers. He's calling them to witness to their friends in pretty radical ways. God's mending families and working miracles.

But here's my issue, I deeply long to share these incidents because I want God to receive glory for what he's doing. Being an external processor, it also makes it hard for me to make sense of what's happening without talking to someone else. Journaling helps. Prayer helps, but sometimes it would be nice to have someone else who talks back and shares in the moments when God is glorified. Perhaps sharing it with God and the person involved should be enough. . . .

So, if there's a lapse in my posts, it could be that I'm lazy. It could be that something stressful is going on. Or it could be that God is doing something so awesome and intimate in someone else's life that I just can't share it here.

Thanksgiving a week late

So, I meant to follow up my last post sometime over the Thanksgiving weekend . . . oops! These are my thoughts any way . . .

After pondering the sin of envy, I began wondering more about where envy comes from. Doug Fields suggested entitlement, but why do we feel so entitled? MARKETING! As my parents and I were preparing for Thanksgiving dinner, we heard that familiar jingle that only seems to play before Christmas: "Ch-ch-ch-chia!" Who in their right mind would think a chia pet would be a good Christmas gift? But not only could you get a chia pet, you could opt for a chia head instead. There's just something creepy about grass growing out of a ceramic head. And have you seen the commercial for the electronic garden shears? It's a power saw version of the old style.

To tell you the truth, I have no desire to have a chia pet or electronic garden shears, but I can see how those commercials and others like them can create a society of desire. What we had last year wasn't good enough, so we need a new one. This cell phone looks stupid, so I'm gonna get a new design. The effects of marketing may not affect our pocketbooks (or girl bags in my case ;)), but it's feeding our growing sense of entitlement. Ultimately, I think entitlement comes from a sense of ingratitude for the things God has already given. As a personal example, I often get frustrated with the rate of spiritual growth in my church. However, I'm failing to appreciate the little moments where I see God's grace shining through in someone's life. I want more, I want immediate change, and I want it NOW! . . . It's amazing how commercialism can affect aspects of our lives that we didn't even consider.

So, even though it's post-Thanksgiving, I'm choosing to be more grateful this Christmas season, to thank God for his blessings, and to ask him how I can respond to all he gives me. Worship is a good place to start.

Green with . . .

Envy.

This past weekend, I went to the National Youth Workers' Convention in Atlanta. On Sunday morning, Doug Fields gave a talk about ministerial envy. He said that he had never heard anyone preach on the subject before. I hadn't either until that day. Envy seems to be the sin that many of us ignore. I'm much more apt to repent of my pride, my fear, my judgmentalism. Envy usually doesn't show up on my sin radar. It should, though. The 10 commandments say, "You shall not covet".

Envy is pretty sick, actually. Doug said, "At the heart of envy is the lie that God owes you." Entitlement. God doesn't owe me anything. He's already given me more than I deserve. Every time I envy someone, I slip into discontent. Because I am self-focused, I have less energy to love God and others.

So, in an attempt to not hide any more, I'd like to publicly repent of my envy (and you can hold me accountable):
I envy people smarter than me. I envy youth pastors that seem to have their act together, youth ministries with more volunteer leaders, more regular meetings, and more commitment. I envy my friends who are married. I envy those who are naturally better with people. I envy people who can make good, quick decisions. I envy people who can boldly witness to non-Christians. I even envy non-Christians for not having to witness to their faith.

Father, please forgive me. Forgive us. Change us by your transforming grace.

Half Marathon!

I did it! This morning, I ran the OBX Half Marathon, 13.1 miles, in 2 hours and 15 minutes. Strangely enough, I ran 12 miles a few weeks ago, and my time was 2 hrs 23 minutes. I dropped my mile split times by 1 1/2 minutes! I couldn't believe it. I'm ecstatic!

The whole training experience has been tough work. The three months of long runs, sore legs, early mornings, and carbo loading paid off. I've learned a lot through my training about the connection between the physical and spiritual realms. In the past, I saw physical and spiritual things separately, but what we do with our bodies is spiritual. Our bodies are God's temples, and so that makes running spiritually significant. Thanks to all my friends who were praying for me! I could feel God strengthening me as I ascended the hill and began running the last two miles into the wind.

"'Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the Lord Almighty." (Zechariah 4:6)

Slow Down

"Slow down, you're moving too fast,
you got to make the morning last
just kickin' down the cobblestones,
looking for fun and feeling groovy."

Nothing like a little Simon and Garfunkel to bring you to reality. Lately, I've discovered the joy of patience. I've been reading Mark Yaconelli's book Contemplative Youth Ministry. The book's main argument is that we need to be more attentive to God and more attentive to the kids and adults under our leadership. If the book had a subtitle, it would be, "Chill out, and just be."

A few weeks ago, I realized that I'm past the age of change. I'm no longer moving every year or starting new classes every semester. My job is stable, and I'm not pursuing any romantic relationships. Until I moved to the OBX, my life had been in constant transition for at least the past 8 years. But now that I'm settling down, I'm seeing that life change takes awhile. Relationships take time to build. Spiritual maturity takes time, too, because it involves relationship building. I so badly want to see youth and young adults come to know Christ deeply, but I'm learning to be patiently prayerful.

Now that I'm lowering my expectations for immediate life change, I'm learning to love just being with God and just being with kids. There's less stress, more appreciation for the way God designed each individual. I'm doing more watching and listening, more intentional loving. It's slow, but I think it's more authentic.

The Race: Finale

I finished running 11 miles about an hour ago. Leave it to a long distance run to make you feel like you've aged 20 years in two hours! My knees, my back, my inability to take deep breaths without coughing . . . ok, ok, enough complaining.

Actually, the hardest part of my run today was miles 3 & 4. I had run enough to have burned off this morning's caffeine buzz, but I was far from my finish line. As I continued on, I actually felt stronger. I glided through miles 8 & 9. Miles 10 & 11 were fueled by a recent memory verse taken slightly out of context, "Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord Almighty"! I knew I had the finish line at close reach.

My life seems to be stuck in miles 3 & 4. When I ran today, I actually spent those miles pleading for God to take away my negative and fatalistic attitude. You see, the honeymoon phase is over in my ministry at Duck UMC. The initial excitement and passion mixed with a good dose of fear has subsided. People are getting to know the real me: my inflexibility, my inability to make quick decisions, my people-pleasing tendencies, and even my insecurity and loneliness. Although we recently launched our new vision for the youth ministry, I feel like we are so far from seeing it come to reality. The "finish line" is nowhere in sight.

I'm learning that life really is a long distance race. There are few frills, just persistant steps toward the finish line no matter how far away it may be. But here is the hope: there is a joyful end! What is our finish line? Hebrews 12:2 says Jesus, "the author and perfecter of our faith". What a great image! Imagine this finish line scene that will appear at the end of your life: You'll be running with your eyes fixed on Jesus. Yes, you will be tired, but when you reach him, he'll stretch out his arms to welcome you home. He'll hand you a bottle of water from that refreshing river of life, and he'll speak these words into your ear, "Well done, good and faithful servant." Let that be your motivation. Even if you are on miles 3 & 4 like I am, "Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart" (Heb. 12:3). May God encourage you as you run the race he's marked out for your life!

The Race: Part II

"Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." (Hebrews 12:1)

Back when the Bible was written, Olympic runners would strip down to their birthday suits for their races (pardon the mental image, but the reference is in the Bible). Modern runners tend to buy the lightest shoes and least restrictive clothing in order to run easily and unincumbered. I'm not a big fan of training in the winter because I have to pile on layers of clothing for my run. I prefer the summer, despite the heat and humidity, because I don't have to deal with the restrictive bulkyness.

The writer of Hebrews says that our sin and other hindrances weigh us down as we run the race of faith. I believe that the modern church, including myself, struggles with confession and repentance. Unnecessarily, we continue to carry the sins and burdens that Jesus took with him on the cross. The weight is heavy and exhausting. Why do we hold on to things Jesus died for? 1) Pride 2) Shame 3) Comfort and 4) Misplaced priorities.

Some of us fail to repent because we are too self-righteous to admit that we are imperfect. We don't repent because we don't want to prove that we've messed up. Our pride causes us to believe deep-down that we are equal to God and that we don't need him to fix us. If we don't repent, we can convince ourselves that we're OK with God even though Scripture says we all sin. REPENT of pride. Allow the Holy Spirit to search your heart and mind. Own up to your sin, and throw it off.

Some of us are too ashamed to repent. We fear God's judgment, so we inflict judgment on ourselves for our sin. We self-flagellate instead of trusting that Jesus' death took the penalty for our sin. Shame often turns into self-pity. Self-pity is a tactic to ignore pain and guilt and focus on our feelings instead of turning to God for freedom. REPENT of shame, and turn to Christ for mercy.

Some of us are too comfortable to repent. We confess our sins openly, but we don't turn away from our sin. We don't let God transform us. So, we let sin continue to rule over our bodies instead of living in the freedom of joyful obedience. REPENT of your comfort. Ask God to give you the grace to accept change that allows you to be more like Christ.

Lastly, some of us have our priorities wrong, so other things hinder our relationship with God. Good things like exercise, work, family, music, and even blogging can get in the way if they are placed before God or not infused with God. Our lives need to be structured in such a way that we spend quality time with God everyday. He must come first.

So . . . Confess, turn from your sin, trust God's promise to forgive, realign your priorities, and run the race unhindered for Jesus.

The Race:Part I

I've begun training for a half marathon. That's right, for some insane reason, I've decided to run 13.1 miles all in one morning in mid-November. Running has always been a hobby of mine, but it's also been an incredible metaphor for my faith. Over my next few posts, I'm going to record some of the thoughts I've had while training.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everthing that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. (Hebrews 12:1)
I've always imagined that the cloud of witnesses are the fans in the stadium watching me run and cheering me on. However, a commentary I read recently described the cloud of witnesses as fellow Christians who have run the race of faith with you and are now handing off the baton.

Back when I ran track in high school, I always preferred relay races over individual competitions. I didn't feel alone. I had my team running with me instead of against me. Relays were exciting because every runner ran their best for an incredibly fast combined race. However, the handoffs were always nerve-racking. With anticipation, you waited as your teammate approached at full speed. My heart would pump faster and faster the closer they got. I knew my part of the race was coming. My teammate would yell go, and I would take off with my hand trailing behind. As I received the baton, I would run my hardest for my team.

That's what our faith is like. Saints before us have paved the way. God himself has empowered us with grace to run well. We just need to be willing to take the baton and continue God's kingdom work in our time and in our place. Of course, you will get tired. Your body, mind, heart, and soul will hurt. You will sometimes wonder why you entered the race of faith at all. But those of us who are runners know the rush of a runner's high, of a race finished that was well run. So, run with perseverance. This isn't a sprint; be prepared for a marathon. But trust in God's grace to give you endurance to run and finish well for God's team.

The Word

I've been studying a lot about God's word recently. God's empressed on me the importance of, sufficiency of, and praiseworthiness of his Scriptures. In that vain, celebrate with me through the words of this hymn:

Laden with guilt and full of fears

I fly to Thee my Lord

And not a glimpse of hope appears

But in Thy written word

The volumes of my Father's grace

Does all my griefs assuage

Here I behold my Savior's face

in every page

This is the field where hidden lies

The pearl of price unknown

Thy merchant is divinely wise

To make the pearl his own

Here consecrated water flows
To quench my thirst of sin
Here the fair tree of knowledge grows
No danger dwells within

This is the judge that ends the strife

Where wit and reason fail

My guide to everlasting life

Throughout this gloomy vail

O may Thy counsels, Mighty God

My roving feet command

Nor I forsake the happy road

That leads to Thy right hand

"Laden With Guilt" as sung by Caedmon's Call

Come Be My Light

For those of you who don't know, my home page for my web browser is cnn.com. Awhile back, I decided that I needed to stay up to date on the news. I don't watch local news or read a newspaper besides the Coastland Times (today's top headline -- "KDH votes against turning glass atrium into office space" -- yep, Kill Devil Hills town council, baby!). Cnn.com is my only outlet to the world beyond the OBX.

One headline caught my eye on Friday -- "Mother Teresa's Crisis of Faith". Instantly, I was engaged. I decided to delay my usual morning Bible reading because I had a feeling that what the article held would speak to my own walk with God. You see, something inside of me has changed since I first became a Christian. I used to fear doubt. I feared questions about my faith. I had many non-Christian friends who loved to make me uncomfortable with philosophical banter, hoping to throw me off my devout faith. In hind sight, I realize that doubt and questioning only made me seek God more. Did I find answers? Hardly. I found more questions; but my understanding of the vast mystery of God has led me to worship more deeply.

This is why the new book Come Be My Light attracts me. The book is filled with Mother Teresa's personal letters and prayers confessing her feelings of separation from God. At one time, she had known God closely and could recognize his voice, but during the last 50 years of her life, she felt alone, dark, and unsure of the Love that she was proclaiming in action to the poor in Calcutta.

When I was 18 or 19, my youth pastor casually asked a group of us, "Who is your hero?" I pondered the question like a good college student. I tried to think of someone whose life matched their message. Hesitantly, because I could think of no others, I said, "Mother Teresa". My understanding of people and faith has changed since then. My hero has not. I am more fascinated now than I was then with Mother Teresa. I'm entralled by the fact that this "pillar of faith" doubted. I'm in awe of her perseverance and dedication to God's call even when she didn't feel his presence. Was she a hypocrit? Hardly. She was human. Yet God used her to meet great human needs! . . . Knowing that, what might God do with a questioner like me or with someone like you?

Epistemological moment

I was enamored by this thought today:

The greatest Reality that I know is Someone I can't see, hear, or touch; yet He is what sustains all I know, see, hear, and touch and what motivates all I am and will become.

Home

In case I needed more proof that I'm a "young adult", I recently experienced my most intense summer wedding tour to date. This has been my schedule for the past month: 5 day trip to Houston for Raegan and John's wedding, 4 day local youth mission week on the beach, 3 day road trip to Pittsburgh for Lindsay and Rick's wedding, 4 days of intense office work, 3 days in Charleston, SC for David and Carolyn's wedding.

My whirlwind tour of the country has gotten me thinking about home. It's been almost exactly a year since I moved to the OBX. However when I had an incredibly hard time leaving Texas, I questioned whether or not the OBX is home. Those of you who've had to leave behind dear friends to pursue God's calling would understand. My seminary friends came to define home for me in a whole new way, but now we have parted ways so God and I can create that type of community here.

So where is home? I know I'm supposed to have one. I have this innate feeling that I'm supposed to belong somewhere. But God's teaching me that I wasn't made for this place. He created me for perfect fellowship with Himself. He wants to always keep me longing for that Home, and he has a pattern of sending his people to foreign lands to help them appreciate Home. I keep thinking that perfect fellowship with God is impossible on this side of eternity, but maybe I'm underestimating God. Home is both a present possibility and an eternal promise. Both require surrendering all desires for earthly homes. My questions are: How do we begin creating Christian communities that place our Home with Father, Son, and Holy Spirit above all but also demonstrate a similar feeling of home among believers? Or am I trying to separate two things (love for God and love for man) that are entwined? How can we continually remind one another that we are only at home with the Lord while celebrating Christian community?

Youth Web Page

It's finally up, folks! Our youth ministry web page has gone live. You can check it out
http://www.gbgm-umc.org/duckchurch/Youth%20Web%20Page.htm.

Let me know what you think (a few things are out of date because I'm not yet able to post the updates myself).

Harry Potter

I saw Harry Potter 5: The Order of the Phoenix a few days ago. True confessions: I cried several times. It was so good! Why? Not only was it a well made movie with a great story; it made me think of my youth.

If you don't know the story line, let me try to summarize. Harry has just seen a friend of his killed by the dreaded Lord Voldemort. However, most of the adults in the wizarding world don't believe that Voldemort is back. The ones who do, the Order of the Phoenix, discourage Harry's desire to fight back for his safety. Throughout the movie, Harry battles feelings of loneliness. He longs to do something, but even his class on the Defense Against the Dark Arts becomes a centered around book study. How can he fight evil by sitting still? His friends decide to believe him, and they form Dumbledore's Army. Harry trains them to use magical powers to fight against evil.

In some ways, I see my youth as Dumbledore's army. They don't want the book knowledge of the Bible. They want Truth Himself. They want to know how their faith in Christ plays out in the real world. Often, they don't even care about my lesson plans, but they want practical wisdom gained from years of walking with God. They want the tools to battle against evil, sin, and destruction so they can change the world for God's good. But could they band together? Could they choose to be a community that stands together for God's purposes? Could they strengthen and encourage one another instead of dishing out sarcastic cut downs?

I see hope in two things: 1. A quote from Harry Potter himself, "Every great wizard has started off where we are now. If they could do it, then why not us?" My youth are young, but so was I when God started to change me so I could change the world for Him. It's a process of learning to walk with the Lord. God starts teaching us now. 2. Nothing is too big for God. Regardless of age, God can use anyone to fulfill his purposes no matter where they are in their faith development process.

I believe it. God will transform these youth to transform the world, and I pray that God would equip me to help them know how through practical life lessons.

Lighthouse Tour Part Deux and Relevant

A while back, I said that I'd post a picture of the Currituck Lighthouse to go along with my pictures of the other three OBX lighthouses. Well, here it is, a month later. This one has special significance to me since my aunt and uncle work there. Hooray for free climbing privileges!

While I'm giving random endorsements, I'd like to plug Relevant Magazine. It's my new favorite way to stay on top of current issues relating to God, life, and progressive culture. The magazine's web site is also highly informative www.relativemagazine.com. Relevant is my secret weapon against the curse of being in your 20s: reaching the point where your list of pop culture references remains stagnant (I discovered that phenomenon while trading Billy Madison quotes with my brother).

Update

Wow, I haven't posted in awhile because life has been CRAZY!!

Last Monday night at 9:15, I said goodbye to my pastor, David, and his wife, Libby. The next morning at 10:15, I greeted our new pastor, Ray, and his wife and daughter. Methodists don't leave much time to process through a transition. It's definitely been a wild ride, but I absolutely believe that God is in control and on the move to bring salvation and revival to the Outer Banks!

Part of the excitement about living on the Outer Banks is the variety of people who come here in the summer. For the past month or so, I've had the opportunity to work directly with college students from Russia, Poland, Egypt, Serbia, Croatia, Moldova, Macedonia, and the Ukraine. These students move here in the summer to supplement the work force during the tourist season. Pathways International is a Christian organization that helps these students while they are here. We help them find housing and employment. We provide them with a free Internet computer lab so they can stay in touch with family at home. We offer English classes so they can improve their language skills. And we try to spread the Gospel through special events and personal interactions. It's an awesome ministry that God is using to change the world!

The summer has brought some good changes in the youth and young adult ministries at church. My youth group meets on the beach every Wednesday for fun in the sun and a short devotion. It's been fun to hang out with the youth and to learn, together, how we can change the world in a big way. My young adult small group has exploded! This group that consisted of 6 people when I got here has now grown to 15. God is drawing people within and outside our church to more authentic fellowship with Himself and His people. It's awesome to be a part of God's work!

And the last update . . . my brother got engaged this past weekend! Even though several of my friends are tying the knot this summer, it feels like a whole different experience (in a good way)when it happens in your own family. My big brother is gonna get married! AHH! Congratulations Adam and Kari!

Life and Death

This week has been an interesting juxtaposition of life and death. I'm not sure whether to tell the life or the death stories first, and even if I tried to decide I probably wouldn't be able to define which stories deal with life and which ones with death. . . .

My young adult small group has decided to study The Passion of the Christ. I immersed myself in the Holy Week Scriptures and tried to understand why Jesus died. That was Monday and Tuesday morning. Then, our church received a phone call from someone needing counseling. Our lead pastor is out of town for Annual Conference, so the phone call was diverted to me. If you know me well, counseling isn't really my bag. I set up a meeting anyway--so glad I did. The guy was a tourist from Ohio who realized he was having faith issues. It turns out that he had never surrendered his life to Christ, so after 30 minutes of conversation, he decided he was ready. He accepted Christ! He is saved through Christ's sacrifice! Life from death! I told my small group that night, and they were excited. By the end of our meeting, though, our hearts were heavy again as we realized the reason Christ died for us: It was God's will all along that God Himself would have to provide the blood sacrifice for our sin. Why did he go through a gruesome death? For me . . . for you. Sobering . . . .

Yesterday was hard. I wrote a lesson about Stephen, the Christian martyr. I mourned with the persecuted church as I searched for images to help my youth understand Christian persecution. Then, everywhere I turned things seemed to fall apart. I watched a friendship splinter. I realized some of my own faults. I tried to help several international students with transportation and job issues, but we resolved nothing. Then the kicker -- I got an e-mail from the seminary saying that David Gichuru (a student from Kenya) had passed away. I frantically searched the prayer list for details. On vacation in California, he jumped into the ocean to save one of his children who was being tossed by the waves. He drowned. The child is alive. My heart is heavy at the loss of such an amazing man of God. I only knew David a little from being in a class discussion group with him, yet he taught me the importance of holding on to your cultural heritage. He and other African brothers taught me that poverty does not mean lack of joy in the Lord. He will leave a legacy of sacrificial love with his children, yet he will be greatly missed.

I don't know what to think or feel after a week like this. Oswald Chambers asked in my devotion, "Am I abiding? Am I taking time to abide?" (My Utmost for His Highest, June 7). He's saying life's not as much about what you think or feel but whom you are with. Abiding -- that's where we find life. Him in me, I in Him.

Incarnational Oops!

Well, my friends, I've done it. I let a few of my youth sucker me into doing something I shouldn't have done. That's right . . . I went skateboarding at a skate park.

Let me get this straight, it was my intention to take the youth to the skate park. My role was to be the responsible observer and cheerleader. Then, with their little puppy dog faces and my desire to be seen as cool, I strapped on a helmet and some pads and grabbed a board. God did not create us with wheels for feet for a reason!

First mistake: I was wearing bad shoes that provided very little grip on the board. Second mistake: I went down a very small ramp (6 inches) and grabbed the fence for stability. I fell off the board and jammed a few of my fingers. Third mistake: After a little more practice on flat ground, I felt ambitious and went after another ramp, this one a tad larger. As I descended, I knew it would all end badly. My board kept going, but I wasn't on it! I got a little bit of air and fell back onto my tailbone. OUCH!!!

For the record, that was a week and a half ago. My tailbone still hurts, and one of my fingers is still slighty swollen. David, my pastor, asked me what went through my head that made me think that skateboarding was a good idea. "Well, incarnational ministry, of course! Go where the youth are; do what they do. Meet them where they are like Jesus did." David's response: "What part of in-the-world but not of-the-world do you not understand?" So true. From now on, I'm sticking to the observation bench when it comes to skateboarding. But something about summer at the beach makes me think that some of my students just might convince me to learn how to surf. Ohh no!

"It's Starting"

I think I've heard the phrase, "It's starting" at least 5 times in the last few days. What's starting, you ask? The tourist season on the Outer Banks. As of Memorial Day weekend, the "tour-ons" (rhymes with morons) have been arriving from the north.

Now, most of the time, "It's starting" has been stated with a tone of dread. Perhaps I'm being overly optimistic (and if you know me well, you know optimism isn't my strong suit), but I'm choosing to say, "It's starting" with anticipation and excitement. Why am I looking forward to crowded streets, restaurants, beaches, and church pews? Because I see opportunity and possibility!

Here are the stats: 57,000 people live on the Outer Banks year round (that number seems incredibly high to locals when our beaches feel like ghost towns in mid-January. Remember, we live on a strip of land no more than 2.5 miles wide). During peak summer periods, the daytime population can be up to 220,000 (see http://www.outerbankschamber.com/economics2.cfm)! That's almost 4 times the normal population! And we get a new set of tourists each week. No wonder the locals are running for the hills! 1500 of those visitors are international college student workers who help businesses keep up with the seasonal population boom. People are coming from everywhere

But here's what I see: We have four times the opportunity to share the gospel with others. We have the capability of impacting the ENTIRE WORLD for Christ from our 2 mile wide strip of land. How incredible! People on vacation are more apt to slow down and consider the things that matter in life: family, friends, physical health, and spiritual health. Could we seize the moments every day this summer to show love, to open our doors and beaches to strangers, and to invite the lost into a relationship with Christ? The possibilities are endless!

I'm pumped about what God will do this summer, and I'm willing to sit through beach traffic and wait in busy restaurants to watch Him in action!

OBX Lighthouse Tour

This past weekend, my parents came to the beach to celebrate Mother's Day and my birthday. For some reason, I have always loved lighthouses (notice the lighthouse theme for my blog), so we decided to visit several of them on the way to Ocracoke Island. Cape Hatteras is on the left, Ocracoke in the middle, and Bodie Island on the right.

I started thinking this week about why I like lighthouses. A few thoughts come to mind:

Christ said, "I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in the darkness" (John 12:46). Lighthouses shine bright in the darkness. They remind me to be grateful that through faith in Jesus, I no longer have to live in a dark, hopeless world. Second, just as Christ is a light, we are called to be light, as well. Jesus instructed his disciples, "Let you light shine before men that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven" (Matthew 5:16). I pray that God's light would shine through me so that others will come to know Christ as their Savior. And lastly, lighthouses remind me that I'm called to be a watchman. A slightly morbid Nickel Creek song ("The Lighthouse's Tale") says this: "I am a lighthouse, worn by the weather and the waves. I keep my lamp lit to warn the sailors on their way." Lighthouses are meant to warn boaters so they don't end their journey in destruction. The LORD calls the prophet Ezekiel to be a watchmen and to bring a message of warning to God's people. Ezekiel tells them to turn from their sin and return to their covenant God. If they did not, they would face destruction because of their rebellion. I'm also commissioned to call others to repentance and to a true love for God. This passage is becoming relevant now as I see God using Ezekiel's visions to guide our youth ministry (more on that later, it's pretty exciting!).

So, my lighthouse tour will continue northward in a few weeks to Currituck where my aunt and uncle work. I'll make sure I post another picture. Until then, GO LIGHT YOUR WORLD!

Spiderman 3

I've been anticipating the opening of Spiderman 3 for the past month, and it didn't disappoint. The character development is excellent! The plot's twists and turns create a tapestry of conflict and intrigue. However, the most attractive part of the film was the way it dealt with the themes of good vs. evil and revenge.

(If you haven't seen the movie yet, go see it before you read on. I need to reveal parts of the plot in order to make my point.)

Typically, superhero films glorify the character's superpowers and unwavering determination to always do good. Spiderman is more like us, though. He's really just a normal guy, Peter Parker, with plenty of skeletons in the closet and lots of emotional baggage. Throughout the film, we discover with Peter that he is selfish, jealous, insecure, loves attention, and carries deep-seeded anger about his uncle's death. The anger, in particular, drives him to do things that he later regrets. Aunt May describes Peter's situation well: "Revenge is like a poison that can take us over, and before you know it, it can turn you into something ugly."

Here's where the puzzling part of the movie comes in. At the end of an intense fight scene, Peter faces the man who killed his uncle. Marko apologizes and shows regret. Peter forgives him. But why did he forgive? Some of the girls who saw the movie with me verbalized the same question that was rolling around in my head. When you get wrapped up in the plot, you begin to feel the frustrations Peter felt: lost love, lost relative, lost sense of control, lost reputation for being a "good" superhero. I would have felt defeated and angry, a far cry from forgiving my father-figure's killer. But here's what I think. Like Marko, Peter was also wrestling with his imperfect qualities. Peter was hoping that someone would forgive him for the wrongs he had done, yet he knew he was unworthy of that forgiveness. I think Peter forgave Marko because he knew he could not go on living without being forgiven himself.

Here's the spiritual tie-in you've been waiting for: The only way to fight revenge is to forgive the person who's harmed you. The only way to truly forgive is to realize that you, too, are imperfect and unworthy to receive forgiveness, yet our heavenly Father forgave us. He didn't forgive us because he had to. He forgave us because he made a choice to keep loving us. When we realize how unworthy we are of forgiveness when it's offered, all we can do is respond in love. We've been forgiven; we know how it feels to hold the weight of guilt and then to have it taken away by words of pardon. Knowing we are forgiven, we want to be like the one who forgave us. We desire to forgive others when they are sorry even if they don't deserve it. Spiderman 3 is an example of grace!

Conference Champs!

The First Flight Middle School girls' track team is the conference champ! GO SEAHAWKS!! I'm so proud of my girls (and the guys, too!). What an awesome season!

VT Lessons

I'm about a week behind on posting this. Track season will be over (for me) after today, so things will start slowing down soon!

Last week, our country observed a terrible tragedy at Virginia Tech. In the past, I've tended to avoid the hype. Last Monday, John Stewart (The Daily Show) explained well how I used to deal with crisis: "Well, if you have a TV, most of you know what has happened today. So, I'm going to do what I always do when this kind of thing happens. I'm going to suppress it, push my feelings deep down inside, and 30 years from now, someone is going to knock over my drink, and I'm going to scream, 'What the ---- did you do that for?!'" It's easy to suppress feelings when we want to believe that our world isn't this messed up. I'm not that person any more. I've wrestled with the questions about evil and realized God didn't do this. God's not micro-managing us. People have free will to make evil and twisted decisions. However, our Easter God brings redemption from the worst. So this week, I've been looking for signs of redemption.

I've found it in community: This image from last Tuesday's candle light memorial symbolizes the unity God desires from his church at all times.
With one accord, the VT community came together to support one another. They all shared something in common: grief. Northeastern NC has many ties to Virginia, so many people here desired to join the mourning community from VT. Many wore VT colors for the nation-wide Maroon & Orange Day last Friday (organized by a woman who attends my church). VT flags and decals cover beach houses and cars. Our community desires to reach out to a hurting community not too far from our own. We in the Church have something in common that unites us: our saving relationship with Jesus Christ. That relationship with him connects us in community with others who have that same relationship. I long for the day when our churches, carrying the light of Christ, begin looking more like the picture above than a bunch of fragmented believers.

Then, I found this other picture. The light of Christ that we shine together should become a light that we share. "You are the light of the world . . . let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven" (Matt. 5:13a, 16). Christian community begins when a person starts a faith relationship with our three-in-one, community God.

We all want to belong; we all long for true community. We all NEED community. Will the Church be that place of unified support for the mourning, the hurting, the hungry? Will the light of Christ within us be something we keep for ourselves, or will we share, inviting others to experience a relationship with our God, Perfect Community?

Doggy days

This week is spring break for Dare Co. So, what does that mean? All the locals leave the beach, and all the tourists (some call them tour-ons, as in, rhyming with morons) have taken over. Sadly, I no longer get a spring break. I miss school! But it does mean that I have gotten to spend the week dog sitting. If only my camera wasn't in the shop, I'd post some pictures! Nonetheless, meet my furry friends:

Buddy Love: Named after Eddie Murphy's slim "Nutty Professor" alter ego, breed - Bichon, age - youngish, he's still got lots of puppy in him. Favorite pastime: running figure-8's around my coffee table and chair. Special concerns: he's allergic to soy, he can't eat normal dog food. "Pet" peeves: being left in laundry room alone at night.

Joe Black: Named after Brad Pitt's character in "Meet Joe Black", breed - shitzu, age - umm, middle aged? Favorite pastime: tug-o-war and sniffing every plant on the side of the road. Special concerns: he's scared of flushing toilets! "Pet" peeves: Buddy's attempts at wrestling when Joe is tired.

I've find it oddly coincidental that both dogs are named after 90's movie characters, and the dogs belong to different owners. It's been an adventurous week! I'm pretty sure this experience has convinced me not to get a dog for awhile (or perhaps just not two at a time). At the same time, though, they've reminded me to think of "the other" before myself as Christ taught. When you live alone, it's easy to forget!

Passion Play

I lived a modern passion play Thursday night. My church celebrated Maundy Thursday. Maundy means command. It's the day we remember Christ's command about the Last Supper: "Do this in remembrance of me." So, I began to remember, entering into the story . . .

Jesus said one of us would betray him. "No, not me, Lord. I'd never do that!" He offered us the Passover cup of suffering. Once representing the blood of a lamb that brought deliverance, this time Jesus said something different. "This is my blood poured out for you." I took a sip.

After supper, he led us to the garden. He told us to watch and pray. My mind was otherwise occupied. I fought temptation to stay focused. I was tired after a week of strong emotions among our congregation (see the last post). Jesus walked a little ways off for awhile and returned to find me mentally asleep. I was daydreaming. Jesus caught me. "Don't fall into temptation. I know you're tired. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak." He was telling the truth! It's easier to zone out and make light of the situation in order to avoid thinking about the horror of the cross.

But Judas and the soldiers came and arrested him. How could Judas betray him? Betray us? Jesus was falsely accused, punched, flogged, mocked, spit on. It was unbearable to watch. Then the crowds yelled, "Crucify him!" For what? How could they? From a distance, I looked on in shock as they nailed him to a cross. How could they kill the Lord? How could they kill God? Then, I realized my part in his death. No words went through my head, just horror and grief at the violent sight.

. . . And yet even in the most horrific moment, Jesus still thought of us. He asked the Father to forgive his mockers. He invited the criminal at his side to meet him in paradise. He made sure his mother was taken care of.

All was dark in the church except the empty lighted cross. We all just stared in complete silence. No one knew what to do. Do we stay here? Do we go home? Eventually, we began to exit in errie silence. I was unable to process it all. I felt like one of the women who watched Jesus put into the tomb. They had to leave to prepare for the Sabbath and to mix spices for his burial. I had to go to the grocery store to prepare for Easter dinner. Yet, all I could think of was the image of the cross burned on my eyes.

We all got into our cars and headed home. There is only one road into and out of Duck--speed limit 25 mph. And so, we left the cross behind, traveling in what looked a funeral procession. How appropriate . . .

Ch-ch-ch-changes

It's been a week now since I found out the news. My pastor and good friend David will be leaving Duck United Methodist Church at the end of June. This isn't one of those normal Methodist moves (as in, it wasn't originally requested), so the announcement came as a shock to our congregation. David has served Duck Church for 13 years and had planned on retiring here. Many in our congregation have never had another pastor (particularly some of the youth).

Of course, there are the normal questions: Why does the Methodist church use the appointment system? Was David forced to move? Who's coming to replace him? This week has been an awesome opportunity for me to explain the concepts of calling, church, and faith. When David received the phone call from the bishop, he prayed and realized God was in it. God has called him somewhere else, and David is being obedient. Our church is coming to understand that "church" is bigger than our local congregation. Church is all those who accept Christ as their Lord and Savior. By letting David go, we are sharing him with our brothers and sisters in Christ in another congregation who need a strong, capable leader. However, that sharing doesn't come without some sadness. I have been blessed to serve alongside David and his wife, Libby, for the past 7 months. They are both strong Christians, capable leaders, encouragers, and supporters. They will be deeply missed.

Our church began a discernment process at the beginning of Lent to determine God's will for our church. God has revealed that we will continue this process under new leadership. We continue to ask, "Lord, show us the way." Who will God bring to lead Duck Church? Who will Duck Church become? I believe God will provide the leader we need to move forward in God's will. And along the way, I think each of us are learning more about what it means have faith in God.

Songs of Ascents

For the past few years, I have set aside time during the season of Lent for reading the Songs of Ascents. The Songs of Ascents are found in Psalm 120-134. Usually, I read one a day, and then read through all of them again the day before Easter and tack on Psalm 135 as an explosion of praise for God on Easter morning! During Old Testament times, three times a year, God's people would take a journey from their hometowns for different religious festivals in Jerusalem. Because Jerusalem is located on a hill, God's people would be climbing upward toward God's city. Eugene Peterson in A Long Obedience in the Same Direction, describes the journey as a metaphor: "the trip to Jerusalem acted out a life lived upward toward God, an existence that advanced from one level to another in developing maturity" (18). These songs are in the genre of "The Wheels on the Bus" or "99 Bottles of Beer". But these Psalms are spiritual road trip songs.

Some of these Psalms have spoken into my real-life situation this week (more info on that later). But for now, regardless of where you are, you can always travel up. Come on up the mountain of God with Jesus this Passion week (that starts tomorrow with Palm Sunday). Journey with him to the cross and then out of the grave!

Here are some verses that have stood out to me:
"I lift up my eyes to you, to you whose throne is in heaven." (Ps. 123:1)
"If the LORD had not been on our side [I like to fill in words from my own faith story here]." (Ps. 124:1a)
"Our help is in the name of the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth." (Ps. 124: 8)
"Those who trust in the LORD are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever. As the mountains surround Jerusalem, so the LORD surrounds his people both now and forevermore." (P. 125:1-2)
"Restore our fortunes, O LORD, like streams in the Negev [a desert in Israel]. Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him." (Ps. 126, 4-6)
"Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain." (127:1a)

Nailing it to the Cross

"You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross." -- Colossians 2:13-14

I was dead because of sin . . . now I'm ALIVE because of him!

Tonight, our youth group made this verse and our little rhyme (the line above) a reality by writing out our sins and literally nailing them to a wooden cross. I worried all week if we could really be serious enough to handle this. However, God's Spirit was on the move!

My intent was for each youth to come up one at a time. In my control freak way, I got worried when a few came up together (I thought they might talk or take the focus off Christ). But it became a very powerful image. You literally could not drive a nail into the cross without someone holding the cross for you. This became an awesome metaphor. We can help our friends put to death their sins by holding one another accountable to the commitment we've made to God and the lifestyle he's called us to.

Another interesting thing happened. I had bought nails that were huge, and they were very hard to drive into the 4x4 posts. Every once in awhile, we had to re-nail the sheets of sins to the cross. Sometimes, we can feel like this with sins that seem to happen over and over again in our lives. We confess those sins, wanting to change, but we catch ourselves doing them again. That's true with me and my negative attitude. The thing is, though, that Christ is at work to change those things in our lives. He sees our sorrow for our sin and gives us the power to overcome sin right now if we will receive it.

The Lord worked in a powerful way tonight! Praise God!

Lenten Reflections: Entitlement

God had the last laugh yesterday. I actually wrote the original posting for this entry yesterday afternoon. But then something happened. Let me begin with the reflections I recorded first, and then I'll tell the rest of the story:

Entitlement . . . the sense of feeling like I deserve something--"I'm owed". During Lent, God has continued to show me how I feel entitled to certain things. Here's my public confession (I list these things so you can help keep me accountable and so you might begin to explore whether or not entitlement is an issue for you, as well. I hope not!):
- I expect respect from my youth group because I do a lot for them.
- I get frustrated when people don't say thank you after I've done a good deed.
- I become angry in a slow line at Wal-mart because I'm a busy person and deserve speedy service.
You get the point. I forget that everything I have is a gift from God.

God showed me an image of what he feels like when entitlement slips into our relationship with Him. We don't deserve a relationship with God, now or in eternity. BUT God sent his son, Jesus, so we can have those things. His hand is outstretched to us. Like a loving Father, he says, "Come to me, child." Here's what we do, though. We act like elementary school kids. Have you ever had your hand up for some kid to give you a high-five, and they stare you down and look at you like you're an idiot? Maybe they started to give you a high-five and then pulled their hand away, followed by the quick, attitude-infested response, "Too, slow!" We act like that; we're too good for God. "I don't need your help, God." "I'm a good person; I do good things. I deserve to go to heaven." Our Father just stands there . . . rejected . . . but his hand is still outstretched, ready to grasp ours, ready to pull us into a loving embrace. Wow (humbled sigh) . . . my only response can be a life lived in gratitude and worship to a God who loves me this much, even when I'm a punk.

The Epilogue: After writing that out yesterday and pressing publish to post this entry, my internet access went down. At first, I laughed out loud. I have become so accustomed to internet access that I feel like I deserve it. A few hours later, I called the cable company to see if it could be fixed. They told me they could send someone out Friday from 1-5 PM. Internal dialogue: "Are you serious? A whole week? I have lunch plans. Aren't I the customer here? Don't I pay the bills? You should be inconvenienced, not me!" . . . ENTITLEMENT . . . Lord, forgive me. By your grace, help me change. Change us. "We do not make requests of you because we are righteous, but because of your great mercy" (Daniel 9:18b). We don't deserve you . . . thank you!

Polar Plunge

The fun continues on the OBX. This past Sunday, I had the youth over to my house for a cookout. The occasion? UNC v. Duke basketball, of course. Man, it's nice to be back in NC!

So, during half time, we played some Ultimate Frisbee on the vacant lots across the street. The wind was pretty fierce, and the disc flew into the canal (yes, there is a canal that runs behind the houses across the street, leading out to the sound). Of course, a rescue was in order. One of the youth decided it was his duty to jump in and get it. First words that popped into my head: liability and his mom. It took me about five minutes to convince the guy that he shouldn't jump in. Granted, he had already taken off his shirt and was ready to strip down to his boxers and get in the water. I was very proud of him for listening to me instead of his friends. For the record, it was about 50 degrees out, and the water was probably colder than that.

So, I told the youth I'd get the disc, but I needed to change. It turned into a huge event (bigger than Tyler Hansbrough's bloody face at the end of the game). Several of the youth came back with me; one girl video documented the occasion on her digital camera. I thought that it would be shallow enough that only my shorts would get wet. Oh no . . . I ended up having to jump in fully clothed. Of course, then everyone just stared at me as I tried to pull myself back up onto the dock, gasping for air, and shaking from the cold. The things we do for frisbees and teenagers!

The official Outer Banks Polar Plunge is this coming Saturday on the beach; I guess I was a tad early ;)!

Field Event Specialist

I've been bloggin' about some pretty serious stuff lately, so I thought I might share a more light-hearted story. Thursday was my first day helping out with the First Flight Middle School track team (Go Seahawks!). The whole experience began humorously as I walked around the middle school trying to figure out where the track team practices. You see, they don't really have a track, just a soccer field. When I finally found the team, my friend Jessica (the head coach) was pretty excited to see me. Jessica comes to the young adult small group at church and teaches at the middle school. She hooked me up with the perfect place to get plugged into the middle school community on the Outer Banks. I used to run track in middle and high school, mainly sprints, relays, and the long jump, so I had agreed to help coach the long jump. When she introduced me to the team, though, she called me the "field event specialist". Suddenly, I've inherited far more responsibilities than I'm trained for. Eek! High jump has always scared me because I'm afraid people will break their necks; and if you've seen the size of my arms, shot put just doesn't fit my body type. Nonetheless, I'm up for the challenge.

So, the amusing part of the practice came when I realized we had no long jump pit. No fear! We live at the beach which means there are sand dunes at the edge of the soccer field. OK, so we had the pit. Then, there's the issue of a scratch board . . . . . Ta-da! A piece of drift wood! We have our make-shift long jump pit. Of course, the middle school kids weren't too convinced. Their response: "Umm . . . aren't there sand spurs in there?" I thought quickly, trying not to give away my lack of planning, and I replied with a big, fake grin, "Eh (shoulder shrug), I don't think it'll be a problem." Of course, at the end of the day when I emptied the sand out of my shoes, I found several sand spurs attached to my shoe laces! Needless to say, we'll be hanging out with the high school team and using their long jump pit as much as possible! I hope I don't have to make a make-shift high jump mat next week ;)!

You are loved

Our church is reading the book Treasures of the Transformed Life during the season of Lent. To be honest, tonight, I wasn't looking forward to reading the chapter from the book. Don't get me wrong; I have enjoyed the book so far. But I knew the chapter would be on prayer again tonight. Prayer . . . again? I've read a lot about prayer recently. I've written and spoken about prayer, and I will speak about prayer again in a few weeks. Can't I learn something new?

In my desire to be entertained by God, I've missed the point. Prayer is two way conversation. I get down on myself a lot because I don't spend a lot of time in prayer. I don't feel like I'm praying enough for God to really impact my ministry. I know prayer works. I've seen it work. But prayer has become an "it". Prayer has become ritual, a way for me to measure up before God.

During this season of Lent, I expected God to show me my sin, how I'm too comfortable, relying on myself too much, wanting to do everything on my own. But that message didn't come in the condemning way I thought it would. The first thing God brought to my mind was, "Remember your name, Beloved. I love you, deeply. Let me love you." All the stress of the day seemed to melt.

God loves you, too. You can never hear that enough because if you're like me, you'll probably forget it by the time you wake up tomorrow. So hear it again:

GOD LOVES YOU!

"I Need to Wake Up"

As I changed channels to watch the Oscars during a commercial tonight, I happened upon Melissa Etheridge singing "I Need to Wake Up". This song is her wake up call for people to stop sitting on their hands and to do something about global warming. While I'm all for proactive attempts to save the environment, I couldn't help but think of how Christians need to wake up and take action for the sake of our Lord Jesus Christ. God calls each of us to something more. He's the One "who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us" (Ephesians 2:20). Am I living in a way that allows God's power to do more than I could ever imagine in my sphere of influence? Are you? Let Melissa Etheridge's lyrics be your wake up call in your relationship with God . . .

"I Need to Wake Up"
Melissa Etheridge

"Have I been sleeping?
I’ve been so still
Afraid of crumbling
Have I been careless?
Dismissing all the distant rumblings
Take me where I am supposed to be
To comprehend the things that I can’t see

Cause I need to move
I need to wake up
I need to change
I need to shake up
I need to speak out
Something’s got to break up
I’ve been asleep
And I need to wake up
Now

And as a child
I danced like it was 1999
My dreams were wild
The promise of this new world
Would be mine
Now I am throwing off the carelessness of youth
To listen to an inconvenient truth

That I need to move
I need to wake up
I need to change
I need to shake up
I need to speak out
Something’s got to break up
I’ve been asleep
And I need to wake up
Now"

Depression

It's finally time for me to be real about something. During my first few months on the Outer Banks, I struggled with depression. Clinically diagnosable . . . probably not, but I was down. I didn't want to get out of bed, I was scared of the future, stuck in the past, and dreaded living in the present. I felt alone. I knew very few people here, and the relationships I had counted on for the past few years started to change. I wrestled with God, prayed for community, longed to break the cycle of perpetual sadness and despair. Eventually, I got through it but not without lots of time and tears.

Many people in my life have dealt with or are currently struggling with depression. Perhaps what I was experiencing was of lesser intensity, but I remember looking everywhere for a comforting word from God. I found the following from Oswald Chambers the other day:

"If we were never depressed we should not be alive. . . . A human being is capable of depression, otherwise there would be no capacity for exaltation. . . . Depression is apt to turn us away from the ordinary commonplace things of God's creation, but whenever God comes, the inspiration is to do the most natural simple things--the things we would never have imagined God was in, and as we do them we find He is there." Later, Chambers warns us not to do something just to relieve depression but to seek the Holy Spirit's guidance when trying to discern how you can take a step forward with God.

How comforting to know that we will all at some point experience depression! If we couldn't experience deep sorrow, we would never experience incredible joy! I never should have been ashamed at my sadness and inability to "get over it". Extreme sadness meant that I valued what I had lost. I ended up embracing the depression. If I ran from the sadness, it felt worse, but if I met God in it, he proved to be there. Any glimpse of hope became an incredible blessing. The same "mini-victories" wouldn't bring the same excitement today.

Lesson from depression: The way out isn't as important as the One who is in it with us.

Christian culture war

I have a map of the world on my wall that has Antarctica on the top and North America down in the bottom right corner. It reminds me that Jesus' kingdom is not of this world. Christ calls us to be counter-cultural, to look different from others. What does this type of radical discipleship look like? This summer I used these examples in a talk I gave to high schoolers . . . serving instead of being served, delayed gratification, salvation through Christ alone instead of religious pluralism, forgiveness instead of revenge, community over the individual, power in weakness instead of power in prestige, trust instead of worry, grace instead of death. This whole idea of radicalism inspired me because I have always been a nonconformist. I felt like I found a Christian justification for bucking the system.

Yet, I missed the most radical thing of all, LOVE! I've allowed my nonconformist tendencies to become spiritual pride, and I realized it as I read more of Donald Miller (he's pretty insightful!) . . . "I suspect any lack of love or feelings of anger we have toward the culture around us are not feelings that come from God, but rather our souls arising again to cast rocks at women caught in adultery" (195). The more God changes me to be like himself, the more I don't like the ungodly culture I live in and shout, "Come, Lord Jesus." However, being counter-cultural without LOVE is what Paul described as a clanging cymbal, an instrument that can't be used as it was designed (1 Cor. 13). How selfish of me to forget the lost people in the world! Jesus ate with these people; I turn away from them feeling morally superior. I don't get God's love. He asks us to be holy, but then he died for those who aren't. I'm one of those he died for, and I certainly am not all God has asked me to be. Now anything holy in me is a tribute to God's changing love at work in me, not anything I've done (except surrendering to him, which I struggle with daily!). Holiness doesn't equal superiority; it's just a sign of grace. I'll never understand that unless I continue to explore the depths of God's love and let that overflow into love for the world!

Morality and Discipline

I've wrestled this week with the concept of discipline. I have never been a strong disciplinarian. I'm far too much a people-pleaser for that! This week, though, I couldn't back down. If we did not address the issue of discipline at youth group, things could quickly turn into chaos instead of Christian community. (In case this is read by someone at Duck UMC, be sure that I have taken care of this issue and am not in any way revisiting sin that has been forgiven. I'm merely reflecting on the idea of discipline and using last week's incident as an object lesson.)

The writer of Hebrews addresses discipline: "If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons [of God]. . . . No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." (Hebrews 12:8, 11) We should expect discipline because it shows that our true identity is what God has said we are if we follow and believe; we are His children. Discipline = Love. It sure doesn't feel like it, sometimes, whether you play the role of the giver or receiver of discipline.

I continue to stumble across the concept of obedience and discipline. I'm good at following rules. It comes with my personality. I'm not as good at the heart stuff. Perhaps that's why it's so hard for me to understand sin and grace. For a long time, I thought I was "OK with God" if I was a good person, if I did what He said. Most of the time, I did alright. But then I realized that I was missing the whole point. I don't obey for the sake of the rule; I obey out of love for God. As I realize how much I have made life about following rules, I realize how much I rationalize my disobedience and think I'm OK with God.

Donald Miller's words in Searching for God Knows What convicted me: "If we think of God's grace as a technicality, a theological precept, we can disobey without the slightest feeling of guilt, but if we think of God's grace as a relational invitation, an outreach of love, we are pretty much jerks for belittling the gesture" (184). Every time we disobey God, it's like we make a personal attack against Him. And we do that to Him after all He has done for us . . . (Sigh) . . . . . I don't want to hurt God anymore. He's shown me too much about how much He loves me. So, I'm willing to submit to whatever discipline that requires because I know it's out of God's love for me as His child. And I'm willing to be a disciplinarian so others don't make the same mistakes I have. I guess I'll have to get over being a people-pleaser!

Who am I?

For the past few weeks, I've been reading one of Donald Miller's books, Searching for God Knows What. Miller narratively traces the events of Genesis 1-3 and remarks on how Adam and Eve's actions have affected our world. One overriding theme keeps sticking out to me: God created us so that we would find absolute security and identity in relationship with him. Knowing we are loved, valuable, and a beautiful creation all come from him. When our relationship with God was broken because of Adam and Eve's sin, we began thinking that we didn't have any worth. We have tried to find worth in other places, most apparently in the way we compare ourselves to one another: Who is the best? Can I one-up the person I'm in conversation with by boasting of my own achievements? We all want to measure up in order to feel love. If we feel like we are better than someone else, somehow that makes us more important, more valuable.

I've been on the look out for examples because I think Miller is right. Here's what I've seen both in myself and in others just the past few days: belittling words that make you feel better than another, the need to prove you are right, a longing for close human relationships because you think they'll make you feel less lonely, bragging about achievements so someone will praise you, complaining about your appearance or abilities so someone will inevitably have to affirm that you are, indeed, beautiful and gifted. There are more, but I think you get the idea.

We will never be whole, satisfied, content, feel loved, valued, or beautiful until we seek and find the One who made us. Miller says this, "What if when we are with God, we feel that we have glory, we feel his love for us and know, in a way infinitely more satisfying than a parent's love or a lover's love, that we matter? I think that would be very beautiful . . ." (p. 109)

Me, too.

Ski Retreat!

Yep, it's been awhile since I've posted. Things get busy around the holidays when you work in a church! Nonetheless, the past few weeks have been a blast. We had a lock-in on New Year's Eve, and this past weekend, we traveled to Boone, NC for our ski retreat (see picture below!). It was an awesome experience for our youth group to grow closer to one another and for us to experience God together in a new way. As we shared what we learned about God over the weekend, several of my youth said they learned that you can never stop growing in relationship with God if you are willing to follow Christ. So, this is the beginning. Take a look at them now . . . this group, through the power of the Holy Spirit, will transform the world because they are being transformed by God! I can't believe God's given me the privilege to help guide us to do that. I love these young men and women, and I can't wait to see how God will move through them!